LaRee Adams Dodge

As some of you my know these past few weeks have not been the easiest for me. My family marked the one year anniversary of the loss of my Grandma, LaRee Dodge, on May 14th. She was the head of our family, the center of our universe and her death was heartbreaking for everyone she knew. I miss her so deeply and, as I have blogged before, I so wish she could have been here for all the wonderful things that have happened in the past year and that will happen. It is hard for me to really think or talk about her too much without wanting to cry, so that day (and reliving it in my mind) was very difficult. I just wanted to say something about the amazing person who showed/taught me so much.

I love you Grams.

April 29, 2006... a day that will never be forgotten

April 29, 2006 was the day that my family lost one of it's most important members, my Grandpa Bob Dean Cole. He was my mom's, Renee's, dad. He was the person who always made sure that we were all always taken care of, that we had what we needed and a lot of times what we wanted. He gave me my first pager, my first cell phone, my first car. But more importantly he gave me a Grandpa. Most of you know that Renee is my step mom, though I call her mom, and we became a part of each other's lives when I was 4 years old. She became my Mom when I was 6 and she married my dad. Her family immediate became our family, from her brother my Uncle Mark to her Mom and Step dad, my Grandma and Grandpa Clarence and also her dad my Grandpa Bob. Though we didn't always get along, especially in my teen years, he loved me and was one of the grandpas I never had. My dad's dad left when he was 5 and my mom's, Debbie's, dad is a monster. So here we were 2 little girls who needed a Grandpa to love and have memories with. And he did just that, and then some. He used to call us (my sister and I) "Pretty" (or as he said it purdy) and he did the things that a Grandpa is supposed to do, spoil us. He lived with us for a long time, which made us closer (and sometimes made it harder). I will always remember, above all, how much love he had for our family, how much he adored us and what a fabulous great grandpa he was to Ryan, who absolutely adored him in return. When he passed, I had a lot of regret for the things that I didn't say to him. Like how much I loved and appreciated him, no matter what happened between us. I know that he knew in his heart but when you loose someone that significant to you, you feel terrible that you didn't actually say those words out loud to them. So on the day of his memorial, he was cremated, I read this poem out loud that I wrote for him:

It's never too late

to say what you feel

my emotions are overwhelming

but I know they are real

It's never too late

to kiss and make up

if you love some one you don't just give up

It's never too late

to forgive and forget

there's nothing worse than living with regret

It's never too late

to embrace your hand with mine

all I wanted to say there just wasn't enough time

You were there when others failed to do there job

Looking back all I can do is sob

Life isn't perfect and we all know that

But you were always my grandpa and that's a fact

So now you're gone

And I am trying to move on

I just wanted to say Thank you and I'll miss you every single day

One more thing before you enter Heaven's gate

I love you and forgive you

I just hope I'm not too late

My Grandpa was a family man, he loved nothing more than his family and he did all he could to make sure we were happy. I wish he could have been here for everything but especially for all the events I know he would have enjoyed the most. Such as: my sister's wedding, the birth of my nephew Zachary (who's middle name is for him, Dean), my engagement, my mom's graduation, my wedding and all the special events in life that are yet to come. I miss him all the time. Though my regret has gotten better in the past 3 years, I still have a small amount. I guess you always do in my situation.

If I could say anything to him now it would be: I love you and I'm sorry.

R.I.P Bob Dean Cole aka Dad, Grandpa, Pops, and Great Grandpa.

Lots of Love,

Your Granddaughter always Amber a.ka. Purdy

Autism Awareness Month

In case anyone wasn't aware April is Autism Awareness month. This cause is very close to my heart as my brother has Asperger's Syndrome, which is on the Autism Spectrum. At our wedding we handed out, as party favors, Autism Awareness pins. If you have yours please wear it in honor of so many people who have to live with this disorder. There are many ways you can help out. If you would like to find out or learn more about this disorder you can visit:

http://www.autismspeaks.org/

Remember 1 in 150 children are diagnosed with Autism, this is not a huge number so chances are you or someone you know will be affected by this disorder in one way or another. Also remember to practice kindness and sympathy on a daily basis and teach it to your children. Even though the child acting up at the park, grocery store, movie, etc. may look physically normal you never know what they are going through, what their parents are going through.

Lots of Love...

Amber

Food for thought

So today I was feeling a little down. Next week is the anniversary of the day we lost my Grandpa 3 years ago. And then about 2 weeks after that will be the first anniversary of the day we lost my Grandma. So you see the next 3 weeks may be a little bit harder than usual. I still think about them all the time, miss them all the time but when that day comes, the day they actually left, it is heartbreaking. Every year on that day I relive what happened, I could give you a play by play. It was hard enough to have to go through it with one grandparent but now I will have to go through it twice in a matter of weeks. And of course you always think of the things you wish you had said out loud, the things that you thought immediately afterwards but didn't before.

Anyways, while I was doing all of this I decided to look up some quotes. First I looked up Marilyn Monroe quotes. I have always been a fan of hers, not just because she is beautiful but because I think she was deeply misunderstood and lived with a lot of pain. I guess I feel like I can relate to her, the things she desired and longed for. Well anyways this quote came up and it just hit me.

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." -Marilyn Monroe

It made me realize how grateful I am for my husband. I know that no marriage is ever perfect but simply being with him makes me so much happier. When we are a part I miss him, from the second he leaves. And feel safer, more peaceful when he is home, even if he is in the other room. Just knowing he's there. And with everything coming up, I know he will continue to be there as he always has been.
Then I also came across another quote from Jacqueline Kennedy this time (weird I know).

"I have been through a lot and have suffered a great deal. But I have had lots of happy moments, as well. Every moment one lives is different from the other. The good, the bad, hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love, and happiness are all interwoven into one single, indescribable whole that is called life. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either." -Jackie Kennedy

This brought me back to the reason I was googling in the first place. She says it perfectly. I know I would not be able to appreciate the ones I love as much as I do if it had not been for the ones I have lost. I just miss them.

Thanks ladies for the wise words.

That's all for now
xoxo
A

The Reader

So Gerald and I just got home from watching The Reader with Kate Winslet. I had mentioned in a previous blog that I had read the book and it was amazing. Well the movie definitely lived up to the book. Of course there were things that were left out but usually I love the book a lot more than the movie and leave disappointed. This however was not the case! Kate Winslet deserved every award she got this season for her role as Hannah. She was so good, putting it lightly. Gerald and I have seen 3 out of the 5 films now that were nominated for best picture. We saw Benjamin Button, Slumdog Millonaire and now The Reader and we both agree that The Reader was the best out of the 3. I really want to see Milk and I know I will watch Frost/Nixon eventually and then I can give you my final opinion. I have a feeling I will love Milk, so it may take first place in my book. But you should totally see the Reader and read it too! It is very thought provoking and makes you think about love. The whole time I read the book and watched the movie I thought about the what ifs of love. What if the person you loved had a horrible past? Could you still love them and see them as the same person? There was something about them that made you fall in love with them, did knowing the truth change that? Do we want to know the whole truth about the person we love? So many difficult questions no one wants to ask, this movie makes you ask.
I loved it! So if you get a chance please do watch it and support my girl Kate! She rules!!

xoxo,
Amber

Grams

Sometimes it feels difficult to do what everyone considers the "right thing." March is almost here and then before I know it May will be here too. To me it seems so unreal that in just a few months my family will mark the first anniversary of the most important person in our worlds' death. My grandma is someone who is simply irreplaceable. She was the center of our family, the rock that kept us grounded and reminded us that nothing matters more than each other. So to me it seems impossible that her loss will ever settle in my heart. I know what I am supposed to do, how grief is supposed to work, but I can't help feeling I am not doing it right. I can't help wanting to scream and cry every time something, even the littlest thing, reminds me of her. While unpacking today I cam across the quilt I was given after she passed. It is unfinished, the last quilt she was working on. My Aunt Lila offered to help me finish it but I can't. I don't want to remove a single pin or make a single stitch because every pin that is there she put there. I came across her afghan too, i could still smell her on it. It hurt so bad to smell her and know that sometime maybe even soon, that smell will wear off and I will only have the memory of her smell. They say time heals everything, I can't imagine this wound ever healing.

One of the toughest days to get through was my wedding day. As wonderful as that day was, it was equally as sad. I just saw a picture from that morning. It was taken just after I had put my dress on and I was looking at it in the mirror. I remember exactly what I was thinking. I was wishing with everything inside me that my Grandma was there. It seemed not right that she wasn't standing next to my mom, that she wasn't the one zipping me up. It was the first and really only time I actually cried that day because the pain was so much and so deep.

You see I am a Grandma's girl. I love my parents more than anything but it is almost as if no one understood me or could make me feel the way she did. She helped raise me for part of my life and a lot of little things I learned from her. My love of books, the fact that I hate wearing socks to bed, how to fold laundry, my love of children, how I love to tell stories (usually the same one over and over to someone who has already heard it)... it was all from her. She was my hero, I have never met a stronger woman, or man for that matter, who was also the softest person at the same time. She had more love than she knew what to do with. My whole life the person I was and still am most afraid of disappointing is my grandma. But the weird thing was you could never disappoint her, she loved you regardless of what you did. She was amazing and her stories and life were amazing. My deepest wish is that my children (future) would have known her. I mean really know her, not just her memory. I am so thankful that she knew my husband but also sad because the woman my husband got to know was only a portion of the woman I grew up with. By the time Gerald was becoming a part of the family, she was already starting to slip away. I know that she loved him and that she knew he was a good person. She told my aunt that he knew he would take care of me and he has. She always knew best.

It seems so scary how someone can be here one day and gone the next. Life is not funny that way. I want to be happy knowing that we can keep her alive through our memories but it just makes me sad that all she is now is a memory. So many important things still have not happened in my life and she will not be there when they do. I know a lot of people say but she will be in this way or that way but sometimes that just is not good enough.

I know this is a sad blog and I'm sorry but I needed to say these things. I need to know that someone else might feel the same way or that it's okay to not grieve the way you are supposed to. It's sad and ironic that the one person who could probably explain it to me best and help me feel better about it is her.She always had the answers, even if it weren't the ones we wanted to hear.

I love you Grams, always.

xoxo

Ambie

23

So yesterday I turned 23! It was a great birthday. Britt and Rich came down and spent the weekend. We mostly just hung out and watched movies and played games. We went to Dave and Busters for dinner Saturday night and played a few games, always fun. Sunday we went to our new apartment and got the keys... yeah! We started moving a little bit of stuff, paintings and pictures. We went to my parents' house for dinner and to hang out with the family. The boys are getting so big and are so funny. Zach is talking so much now and really enjoys beating up his big brother and following Tanna around like a crazy man. Ryan is a ball of energy, he reads now and is always so sweet, is favorite part of birthdays is the cake. He loves turning off all the lights and helping blow out the candles! My sister got me the cutest bag, it has a picture of my 2 babies on it. My parents got me 2 tickets to Disneyland! My favorite place!! Can't wait to go when the move is all done. My dad made yummy food as always and we watched all the Oscar fun! I feel like such a girl, I think I cried about 5 times through out the show, especially when the guy who wrote the screenplay for Milk won and when Heath Ledger won for best supporting actor. Brad and Angie didn't win but they looked great ;) I love the Oscars! For that matter I love movies.

Last weekend we went out to the Desert and celebrated my birthday with Gerald's parents and fam. We had lots of fun too, we went to dinner and watched Slumdog Millionaire, which I really liked.

All in all I had a pretty mellow birthday but it was so much fun. I got to spend it with all the people I love most, especially my wonderful husband!
Now for the next week we get to move! I hate moving it's so stressful and we do it every year! So I'm not too excited for this next week but I'll be much happier once it's over with.

On a different note I just wanted to say that I have read two really great books recently, both inspired to read because of Kate Winslet. The Reader and Revolutionary Road. She's in both movies which I haven't got a chance to see yet but the books are wonderful and if you get a chance I recommend them. She is an amazing actress and I have been waiting for her to win an Oscar since I saw her in Titanic so I have no doubt that she deserved to win this year!

Well that's about all for now. I'll try and blog more but I won't promise anything.
Lots of Love and many thanks for all those who helped celebrate my birthday in any way!
Amber